Building Nests

I have a strange habit.

When something bothers me, I like to finish the conversation in my head. Someone says something I don't like, and hours later I'm still thinking about it.

I should have said this.

Maybe they meant that.

Why did I react like that?

What if I had just…

The conversation may have lasted five minutes. The one in my head can last three days.

And the funny thing is, the second conversation is almost always much more elaborate than the first.

I was doing this recently when I came across a Chinese proverb:

“You cannot prevent the birds of sorrow from flying over your head, but you can prevent them from building nests in your hair.”

It made me smile because it felt painfully accurate. Some thoughts are like birds.

They land. They make some noise. And then, if we don't interfere, they leave.

But we often don't let them. We pick them up and examine them. We replay them.

We give them context. We connect them to something that happened five years ago.

We look for evidence. We give them names. And along the way, a passing thought becomes a permanent resident.

I've done this with things that, in hindsight, weren't even worth remembering.

At the time, they felt important. Now, most of them are barely memories.

Which makes me wonder how many things feel enormous simply because we've kept thinking about them.

There is a difference between experiencing something and carrying it.

You can be hurt by something without making it part of your identity.

You can be disappointed without deciding that everything will end badly.

You can have a terrible Tuesday without turning it into a theory about your entire life.

I don't always manage this, of course.

Sometimes the bird builds a small nest before I even realise what's happening.

But I've become a little better at noticing.

Ah. I'm doing that thing again.

You don't have to fight the thought.

You don't have to replace it with a positive thought.

You don't even have to understand it.

You can just let it be there without giving it another three hours of your attention.

Growing older has taught me more than anything else. Not every thought deserves an investigation. Not every feeling needs a conclusion. Not every difficult day needs to become a lesson.

Some things can simply happen and then end.

The birds will keep flying overhead. I'm only trying to get a little better at not giving them a place to stay.