Indifference

A few years ago, I was standing in a room with someone I had known for years.

We were talking. Or at least, I was talking.

I was telling her something that mattered to me. I remember the details quite clearly: the words I was using, the way I was trying to explain myself, even the awkward pauses.

What I don't remember is what she said. Because she didn't really say anything.

She nodded. Looked at her phone. Said, “Hmm.” And then the conversation moved on.

It wasn't an argument. She hadn't said anything unkind.

In fact, if someone had asked me that evening, “Did she hurt you?” I probably would have said no. But I remember going home with a strange heaviness.

Years later, I understand what it was.

Indifference.

Elie Wiesel once said, “The opposite of love is not hate, it’s indifference.”

I think about that sentence often because hate still requires you to care.

You don't hate someone you don't think about.

Hate makes you pay attention. It makes you react. It makes you argue, remember, hold on.

Indifference is different.

When a friend keeps messaging first, keeps asking how you are, keeps making plans—and eventually stops.

Nothing dramatic happens. There is no big fight. No final conversation where somebody says, “This is over.”

Things simply become quieter. And perhaps that is what makes indifference so powerful.

We are trained to notice loud emotions. We notice anger because it has a voice. We notice sadness because it has tears. We notice love because it has gestures.

But indifference often looks like nothing.

I have caught myself doing it too.

Indifference doesn't always come from a lack of love. Sometimes it comes from a lack of attention.

The people we love rarely ask for grand gestures every day.

Most of the time, they are asking something much smaller.

“Are you listening?”

“Did you notice?”

“Do you remember?”

“Does this matter to you?”

Love, after all, is not always about doing more.

Sometimes it is simply about not becoming indifferent to the things that matter to the people we love.